Coming in 2024
The Narc Decoder: Volume Two
Divorcing a narcissist or child custody proceedings with a narcissist can feel all-consuming, demoralizing and destabilizing. Common sense and intuition calls for personal protection and firm boundaries yet the family court system demands that survivors acquiesce to the abuser. The court system itself becomes the platform for post separation abuse and the children become pawns and weapons. In a family court system that remains untrained on important topics such as domestic abuse, post separation abuse, coercive control, and victim versus perpetrator behaviors, many survivors are portrayed in a negative light as a result of their communication style.
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse are encouraged to utilize the communication method known as "gray rock" which is the correct avenue if children are not involved. With this communication style, the goal is to become as boring and unassuming as a gray rock. The gray rock isn’t noticeable to the casual observer, it doesn’t garner attention. The gray rock is cool to the touch and a bit aloof. It is just there – not bothering anyone and not engaging. Gray rock communication often backfires in family court proceedings because opposing counsel will use it to paint a picture of someone who is uncooperative and bitter. Gray rock makes the healthy parent seem like part of the problem.
“Yellow Rock” (TM) allows us to maintain our boundaries, but it also allows us to showcase who we really are. Yellow rock communication involves common courtesy and non-emotional communication similar to the type of communication that would be expected between colleagues or business professionals. Yellow rock ensures that the healthy parent is viewed in the best possible light. At its foundation, the yellow rock is still a gray rock but there is something a bit different about it. There is something about the yellow rock that catches your attention; it is likable. With a gray stone as its base, it is smooth, cool, and collected, but it has an air of friendliness, happiness, optimism, enlightenment, and intellect. This is the ideal presentation if you are co-parenting with a narcissist and, under the watchful eye of the family court system.
Note from the author
"When I first wrote The Narc Decoder in 2016, it was a much different climate in the family court system. While family court has never been a safe place for survivors of domestic abuse, the atmosphere has become even more concerning and has reached crisis level. It is inhumane for someone to be court-ordered to coparent with their abuser however, there are some harsh realities in the family court system. Healthy, reasonable parents are commonly painted as hysterical, unhinged, "alienators" so operating from a place of strategy is a critical component to protecting one's children. Protective parents are under a high-powered microscope and must navigate accordingly. I look forward to providing an updated guide for survivors who are forced to communicate with a narcissist or other toxic individual during child custody proceedings."
Tina Swithin